Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Finding my way...


I'm feeling a bit like Alice lately.  Ever since I can remember I wanted a family, I married at 19 and we immediately tried to have children.  Crazy I know, 19!! But God knew better and we didn't get Emilio until 4 years later, 7 doctors, and one procedure later.

Shelby came at a time in my life that I was giving up on the traditional family and was thinking of just devoting my time to Emilio and possibly adopting a little girl.  I had a decent job and Emilio needed family.   The one constant I new for certain was that I wanted children.  I have failed at so many things in life but I just knew that I would never fail my children.

So here I am childless..........wondering no, imagining how my life will turn out without having such a large responsibility.  I taught them to not speak to strangers but to be kind to all, to ask questions and not settle, to respect their elders but at the same time expect the same respect.  Regardless of the many mixed messages taught them, they grew up strong, independent and lovely.

John and I have been spending every weekend traveling which has saved my sanity.  God bless my amazing husband who has had the insight to keep me busy and within arms reach. But it is days like this that I look around this big empty house with tons of things I should be doing and not finding the will to do them, that I mourn the days of past.

Excuses to leave the laundry until tomorrow because Emilio had Karate practice, ordering pizza or picking up chick-fil-a because of a PTO function I had to attend.  Now, I need to find things that I will look forward to that only affect me and will bring me joy.  My friend Ferne, is taking a quilting class, so proud of her!  Others are starting new journey's with their career paths.  I signed up to volunteer more this year and started doing cross fit.  But at times it just doesn't seem like enough.  I crave dispensing motherly advice, long car rides listening to Shelby tell me about her day, and yes, even going up to the school to volunteer.

These are things I need to bury, to say it's been fun but it's time to move on.  I'm hoping that by writing all this down, I will be able to move on and get on with my singular life.
1+1+1+1=4 
now
it's just 1+1

Trying to find what my one plus one will become and it seems infinite........



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