Ah HA

I have always felt that God has been looking out for me.  Even when I would royally screw up it was a lesson I had to learn and had purpose.  I always felt looked after.  I can't explain it, describe it or prove it.  It's just there.

An "ah ha" moment happen to me this past week.  Not so much strange as, for lack of better words,  an inner growth spark. I know, now you are thinking that I am making stuff up.  No seriously, I think I grew a little inside.

I behaved in the most unfavorable way towards an old ex-friend.  Long story short, some women just should not be friends.  This is the case with this woman.  She on the other hand, felt that we were very close friends.   After back and forth of some very ugly emails to each other, (not my proudest moment), we finally spoke on the phone.  I apologized for my shortcomings and for the 10 year old adolescent behavior and she did not.  That was okay with me.  I was dwelling more on me and the fact I let this "friend" down.  She was right I was not a good friend to her.  

My Ah Ha moment was when she said some very disparaging and down right horrible things about my children.   Yes, my children.  Who had nothing to do with the argument.

I would never in a million years speak of anyone's children in this manner.  You would think that I would be deeply offended and never ever want to speak to this person again.  But the oddest feeling came over me.  I didn't feel sorry for her or angry.  It was just a feeling of ......Forgiveness.  The minute I saw the remarks about my children, I instantly forgave.  I knew in my heart of hearts that this poor woman did not really mean such hateful things.  I felt calm and looked after.

We spoke on the phone as I stated before and I did not demand or ask for an apology and she did not give one.  I tried not to dwell on all the ugliness but felt sure in my earlier decision that this friendship was not a healthy one for me, and am glad I walked away from it.

The ex-friend did end up calling me later that night to apologize for her hateful words and I gracefully accepted them.  I can assure you that if this happend 5 years ago, I don't think I would be so forgiving.

I know that I have made some hellacious mistakes, some mistakes that turned out to be blessings, and some that I repeat without a clue that I am still repeating them.  But in the end, it's made me the person I am today.  I am proud to say that I am not a great friend at times, or a great mom or wife but I do strive for it and can easily rest my head at night because of it.

I think this is the most personal blog I have ever written.